Shadowy Steps

2008-07-24T00:23:00.001-07:00

All American Rejects Lyrics
It Ends Tonight Lyrics

2008-07-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

so many things happened. yet i aways cant find the mood to post anything. zzz.
my legs hurt.
fucking hell.
im doubting my ability to make it into the soccer team next year.
okay. i nid ankle weights. any kind souls?

2008-07-16T14:02:00.001-07:00

i saw a rabbit run across the road today. zz. dont they have to. keep to traffic rules? zz seems being rabbits are better. haha they dont nid to.... keep to the law.
anws.
forum post by some idiot:

do u guys know any good website or something that has a pretty good price..
my nike clits right now is killing me cause i run
like crazy with it and it hurts my foot now, and its not that good of a shoe
cause when i kick it feels like its not a good clits
with kicking aim kinda sucks.. could really use the big help where a good web
site or something that i can get clits and soccer
gears.. thnx

i never knew... that clits were meant for soccer. maybe he should just search for a porn site. would be much easier to find clits. and i havent heard of anyone seling clits. the clit is like so impt to a woman =.=

2008-07-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

am i a liar

2008-07-14T14:00:00.001-07:00

alala. AP Chemistry 5.

2008-07-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

anws... it seems mabel lim may click ont he second smiley face.. so.

must erm... 欢迎

welcome to hell

2008-07-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

im here. bored. no one online. nothing better to do.

and i am really a thinker. why? coz i think a lot. haha

well i realy dont know. considering my keyboard is spoiling and typing has become a hassle.

but yea. lifes kinda hard. lifes realy stupid. and life screws ur ass.

honestly i dont know what to say.

its just..

haiz.

i nid to accept things. that things arent what i think they are.

i nid to learn to accept things as they are.

anyone can enlighten me?

my heart feels weird. its just. hard to accept people.

people are all liars.

cheaters. u never know what they are thinking. and i get hurt. all the time.

zz. talk later.

2008-07-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

omg im so in love with shailene woodley. for some reason...
hahaz. idk why. she just makes me feel.. comfortable? lols.
idk.. zz.
shes young.
haha.
15 nov 1991
zzzz...

2008-06-30T11:24:00.001-07:00

why is usa so drugged up?
why do i keep thinkin anyone i meet may be a drug addictt?
why do i think even asians who are supposedly more conservative are also abusin drugs?
everyone seems to be on crack... zz...
who knows.
and i did some research on teenage drug use.. the numbers are so fake.
they think its under control, but no.
the numbers are much greater.
zzz. someone stop these teenage delinquents (did i spell it correctly?)
worse thing is, some parents know their children are under substance abuse. yet they do nothing.
i hate newyork. i hate california. i hate usa.

2008-06-29T23:24:00.001-07:00

why?
i really want to know why.
why is this happening?
thats all i want to know.
i rly want to be alone right now, away from civilisation, away from life.
i wanna just go. away. die. whatever.
anything. i wan to just chill with someone. not doing anything
sitting there.
and feelin the breeze.
maybe i will feel better that way.
i wanan be away. but i want to know, im not alone.
i really cant take it anymore.
its really. hell.
serious hell.
i cant even swallow properly now.
i cant even do anything properly.
my heart hurts like fuck even when i watch.. cloverfield. what the fuck.
nvm. i will be okay one day. it maybe 1 day or 2, or 1 year or 2. but i will be okay.
i need relief.
fuck it.
i nid help. but i have no one.
i just fucking wanna. be okay.
why cant i?
im just a dumbass. to fall into such shit.
but still. god.
tell me why

2008-06-25T22:19:00.003-07:00

i really wanna just go on a hiatus without return. whats the point of writing if there is no audience?

je t'aime

2008-06-24T17:59:00.001-07:00

zz yet another day wasted.

so wasted.

so so wasted. maybe i shld start slping early...

this morning was screwed..woke up at 9.30... then just chill and stuff until lunch.

i look at my hair.. so damn screwed. then i try to like. get it to look nicer. screwed it up more. zz.

siann.

then after that i formatted my desktop, in a futile attempt to reinstall windows so it doesnt lag as much, so some gaming can actually be played. apparently. i failed badly. i had to retrieve a file from a "ghost"-ed system. wtf. that is so wrong liao la. failedd...

then summore sound cnanot install. installing then tell me. oh got two of such instances open, please wait for one to finish. but without finishing, it restarts and tells me. FAILED.

fucking hell.

so i guess have to reinstall AGAIN.

laotianye dui wo bu gong ping de.

HMPH...

shall post some pics later :D

some lame pics lahh.

my mum told me to check her email for her =.=then i saw this email from.. someguy's mum.

君子成人之美,__________
同学答:小人夺人所爱

.穷则独善其身,__________
同学答:富则妻妾成群

best one:后宫佳丽三千人,__________
同学答:铁棒也会磨成针

.__________,糟糠之妻不下堂
同学答:结发之夫不上床

西塞山前白鹭飞,__________
同学答:东村河边爬乌龟

洛阳亲友如相问,__________
同学答:请你不要告诉他

人生自古谁无死,__________
同学答:只是死的有先后

三个臭皮匠,__________"
同学答:臭味都一样

登城白云间揽山色入怀,__________"
同学答:我到酒店去抱小姐上床

书到用时方恨少,__________
同学答:钱到月底不够花

人生自古谁无死,__________
同学答:有谁大便不带纸

千山万水总是情,___________
同学答:多给一分行不行
(批卷老师对了一句:情是情,分是分,多给一分都不行)

2008-06-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

i feel like a failure. i feel im wasting my life away.
within a second, this summer will be over, and then life starts to be fucked up again.
the problems will resurface, everything will be as bad as ever, and then... i will no longer have the freedom to do anything i want.
yet right now, im wasting my time, staring at my msn, staring at a FM which plays like 1/2 of the original speed i used to play on my desktop, staring at my computer specs, angry at the lack of graphics, angry at the weak shit of intel. why must they do this to me?
what have i done to not even deserve to play computer games?
what have i done?
why is it that certain people who should study more, who should work harder, get the chance of enjoying themselves, while i have to play fucked up games.
no. this is not fair.
i am wasting my time, i know i am. but i jsut cant do what i need to do. i have so much, i want to do them, but i feel confused, mad, emo. whatever word u use. i want a better graphics card, i want better self control, i want to be able to finish what i want to do.
i want to study, i want to know how to play a guitar PROPERLY, i want to go running.
i want to be able to work hard even if i feel pain, sadness, i do not want to give up. for so long, i have not been able to do that.
xin you yu er li bu zu? no. not true. i dont know.
i want to do my stuff. instead of facing a slow fucking fm. praying to win the fucking chelsea and reloading coz i fucking dont wanna lose to them. if i shoudl waste my time away, at least allow me a better game? at least allow me games taht people play, that even fuckers can play?
but no. cbff. i am not lucky enuff.
this morning i was debating.
shld i save up 60/120 bucks for extra ram, so when my graphics hog my ram i have some ram left,
shld i save up for a 160 gb ipod classic,
shld i save up for a 32gb touch
shld i save up for a 500gb phdd?
i dont know.
i dont even know how im going to do that.
how much money do i get? close to 0. fucking hell.
why do people poorer than me get somuch more allowance? why.
that they can eat so much daily, and still have remaining money for a lot of stuff.
who doesnt want a 2gb nvidia graphic card?
who doesnt want a quad core processor?
who doesnt want physics card for EVEN better gaming?
who doesnt want an ipod?
who doesnt want as many things as they can?
what fairness in this world.
okay i may sound like a fucking spoilt child. fine. wtv.
lalala. maybe i shld take a nap.
maybe sleeping will cure my fucking spoilt-child-ness.
lol.
siann. no soccer today, so i pretty much wasted my time.
god save me.

2008-06-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

spain won today.. they broke the curse of june22nd.
previously they have lost THREE times on penalties on this exact day. and it seems that the curse will be going on todae. yet they defied god, and beat italy, and yes.they beat them on penalties. giving us.. spain russia semi final...

what a day todae.. i seriously nid to start running.. totally no stamina. how will i ever make the team?
i had so much to blog, so much to say, but now im blank. i feel so blank. so empty. for some reason.
i need something. someone. to bring me out of my emptiness. just this afternoon i was okay. i have no idea whats going on right now. maybe i nid slp :D

zz shall go sleep.
i kinda took more pics of my dear old dog. upload them when i have time. actually sometimes i feel like using one of those facebook/friendster/wtv just to put pics i wanna share.
im still convinced myspace sucks. havent logged in in more than 2 weeks...
haiz. im such an antisocial person...
i nid more friends. not just friends, confidants, close friends...
zzz..
kayz. time for some sleep. will try to wake up early tmr morning.
people think i study. but seriously. i dont.
i want too much stuff...
and no one even bothers to read this...
zzz...

june 22nd. is the day. which is special.
june 22nd. what a nice day. i slept the whole afternoon. due to the tiredness of soccer and the lack of sleep the previous day.

i realised i havent touched my guitar in so many days. such enthusiasm when i bought it, yet it died down so fast.
someone. spark the flame in me. i nid to prac my guitar. else i will be one that has a guitar but dont know how to play it. zzz...
shall work on that.

a few areas to work on this hols.
1. DMV
2. SAT
3. GUITAR
4. STAMINA + TECHNIQUE
5. APUSH BOOK
6. HON AM LIT HOL ASSIGNMENT
7. SIT UPS.
8. CHILL
9. SAT AGAIN
10. JUST CONTINUE SAT-ing.
coz i nid to pwn. at least pwn 2250. i cannot get lower than that. else mei lian jian ren.

2008-06-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

zzz. emoness. but still. must lighten up a bit.

upload some pics. pardon the bedsheet :D
no idea why so erm. laotu

hehe. dog slping. soundly... showing off its abs and its.. privates...
nice paws right! my dog sleeps the best way. owns ur ass. (sometimes it even uses the book as pillow)

hehe... nice right. i called its name. then it turned. and stared at me. wth. hes too cute to be true...

anws. bought soccer boots.. at first was... nike t90 shoot. 50 bucks only... but then i tried to actually play soccer in it. screwed up. foot damn pain.

then changed telstar. telstar actually oso quite nice :D

2008-06-21T01:18:00.000-07:00

once more. i phailed.
i have so much in my mind, that i will never be able to express it in words.
but i am guilty. i feel guilty.
betrayal.
i feel that i betrayed some people.
i feel betrayed by some people.
i wanna say sorry, but i know that will not be accepted.
so i have to just. accept it.
people who got betrayed. please forgive me. it wasn't the right circumstances. i had to live on. i thought i had found my place in life. i thought everything was right around me.
i had believed in what i should never believe.
to those that betrayed me. however i ask for people to forgive me, you will not be forgived.
and i am afraid.
afraid of revenge, afraid of hatred.
i am the ultimate culprit.
but i am feeling the guilt.
no one understands the agony i am in right now.
not even god. i trust that he doesn't know.
i trust that he thinks he is almighty. but he is not.
he will never conquer my mind.
because. i have too much hidden.
i have too much, that could not be told.
i have a past.
one that. could never be erased, and all im hoping is that. it never gets brought up again.

once upon a time... i had believed in life.
but honestly. what is life?
according to the second law of thermodynamics, the entropy of the universe is always increasing.
which means... the world will reach a state of maximum disorder, that it no longer can contain any living beings. so why bother living?
emotions are numb. they dont exist. all i can feel is hatred and fear.

life is a nuisance, very irritating. how i wish it never existed, how i wish I never existed.
i wonder what life is all about, why let me have such guilt, which i will carry with me forever?
why?
why letme live, when all my purpose is to contribute to the final demise of the world?
am i not a villain?
i sinned. god. forgive me.
i know i am no one to ask for anyone's forgiveness, but please. give me one more chance.
let me show my worth as a human being.

everyone in this world right now. give me a chance. to show what i can achieve, let me start afresh.

2008-06-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

im a selfish piece of crap.
i am. i know. if u wanna criticiz me, stop reading now.
ignore this post.

hatred fills my life.
sometimes hatred is what keeps me going.
sometimes the lack of love, lack of care, lack of everything impairs my psychological growth, my maturing, my feelings.
somtimes numbness takes over, sometimes i cant think straight.
but thinking i am, and think i shall.
a screwed up mentality, a screwed up life, a screwed up body.
everything suddenly seems hopeless, so worthless.
i have always relied on my academic perfomances to get me thru,
but that will never be the case anymore. because i am dumb.
because i wont reach my targets. because failure is what awaits me.
who am i to dream? who am i to dream of success?
and who am i to define success?

the mainstream definition of success - money and education.
i don't have the money, i don't have the education.
for years i believed i was clever, for years i believed this brain will get me thru, to the best of the best universities, to make the big money.
but i am all so wrong. a wrong perception, very wrong.
life cannot, and will not be happy this way.
my brain isn't top class, it may not be bad, it may be functional, but harvard, princeton, stanford? i no longer know. i am no longer confident.

i wish for a release in life. sometimes i wish, humans are not judged by their education, not judged by results, and all man be treated the same. how is that even possible?
i excel in nothing, absolutely nothing, but i crave to be recognized by the society, as one who is successful, rich, and influential.
how will i ever achieve that?
never.
i wish that i could just live a carefree life, happily ever after.. like in the fairytales.
life is unfair. i wish it to be fair.
but is it? sadly. no.

i feel tired. i feel like sleeping, and never waking up, but that is avoiding, that is a sign of weakness.
i must not. never. be weak.
i must have revenge, to kill the pain hatred has been giving me all these years.
why are people so cold? why.

face the truth. i tell myself. face reality.
that is what the world is like.
never will anyone change it.
change is gradual, but it is happening.
wait. be patient. one day you will be happy.
hopefully. one day. after my cravings be satisfied.

lol anws. i ate abalone LOL...... or rather i dun think its real. it costed.. 5 bucks? omg.
my mum was saying it seems. manmade=.=

2008-06-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

tis post is about soccer, if you have no interest in soccer, u may skip it :D

zzz. portugal vs germany.
great game...
3-2 was a fair result.
the 5 mins my mum watched, she insisted that ronaldo had dived... and said he clutched his right foot when his left foot got kicked. hahaha.
interesting..
but honestly. why was ferreira playing?
i may sound like an idiot, but where is nuno valente? where??? did he retire?
but anws. ferreira should never ever play at left back. 2 of 3 goals are his fault.
he couldn't keep up with the pace of the game, and from what i remember, schweinsteiger never had much pace. maybe i was wrong... but still. ferreira, a player at chelsea. got owned by a bayern player? now i understand why bosingwa was bought.
i always was a fan of ferreira. i thought he looked like the guy in the pianist. but now i see his weakness.
bosingwa played well tho... he was the organiser of the offence several times, and i think he outshone ronnie today... simao was a failure.. nani would be so much better.
what surprises me the most. is that quaresma never starts. anyone who seen his trivela video will know his quality... so good. so damn good.
never have i seen someone operate outside foot so well.

but still he dint start...
if scolari had more effort, and kept his cool even tho its obvious he claimed a lavish contract from chelsea... he is one cheap person. rejecting FA for two reasons - the press and the lack of english.
just incase no one realises. chelsea has more scandals than any team. whers the english? wheres the press.
always saying he loves portugal... wher is the love?
i had a good impression of him. but no more. chelski man.

2008-06-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

TRANSFERS

2007/2008

In:
Rafinha 10.75m Schalke
Dimitry Sychev 5m Locomotive Moscow
Mario Balotelli 7.5m Inter
Mamadou Sakho 625k PSG
Adrien 2.2m Sporting CP

Out:
Darron Gibson loan Wigan
Phil Bardsley loan Kilmarock
Jon Evans loan Sunderland
Kieran Lee loan Aberdeen
Darren Fletcher 9.25m Fiorentina
David Gray 200k Dag and Red
Adam Eckersly 325k Swansea
Tomasz Kuszczak loan Middlesbrough
Mikael Silvestre 5m Everton
John O'shea 7.5m Portsmouth
Adrien loan Everton
Sean Evans 200k Dag and Red
Ji-sung Park loan Racing
Fraizer Campbell loan QPR

2008/2009 (August 2nd)

In:
Lulinha 2.9m Corinthians
Silvano Raggio Garibaldi 275k Genoa
Omar Andrade 350k Alianz Lima
Fabio 1.2m Fluminense (tweaked to match real life potential, FM has it lower than even championship players)
Rafael 1.2m Fluminense (tweaked to match real life potential, FM has it lower than even championship players)

Out:
Ben Foster 10m Barcelona
Omar Andrade loan Antwerp (WP problem)
Lulinha loan Espanyol
Wes Brown 8.5m Everton

MOST ABSURD TRANSFER WINDOW
Shorey 15.5m to NUFC
Walcott 16.25m to Portsmth
Jose Enrique 14m to Bburn
Dempsey 5.75m to Bburn

2008-06-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

zz.. the following post has nothing to do with me, since i dont have best friends or even close friends...
but still.. what if your best friend betrayed you? what if your best friend isn't what you think he/she is?
is that still a best friend? if all he/she says are half-truths, lies, and hides other stuffs?
is that what a best friend is?
i should not think so.
i know exactly how that feels like, i felt it before.
and it does not feel good.
sometimes, you just wish that you were the center of attention, the only friend of your friend. sometimes, you hope that they will tell u everything, including their private stuff, simply because you gave them your all.
sometimes you think, but that will never happen. friends are there, sometimes simply to be used, sometimes to be manipulated, but true friends are rare. friends grow apart, they grow close, sometimes ending up in relationships, sometimes ending up in tears and misery.
but we are all part of society. and friends are, and will always be, part of our lives. they come and go, go and come. true friends are really rare.

i have no idea why im writing this, or what im writing about,
but to all people who even bother to read this, do not betray your friends, always think of their feelings.. sometimes it may only be a misunderstading, but still. think for them. care for them. keep them forever.

joke of the day:
Q: how do u know if a baby is dead?
A: The dog plays with it more.

2008-06-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

joke of the day:
i dont know. now laugh. i edit it asap.

2008-06-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm falling in love with golf nowadays...
108th U.S. Open Playoffs between ROCCO MEDIATE and TIGER WOODS...
until last hole... both are Evens... then even after last hole, they are still exactly the same.. so.. sudden death..
then tiger got chance to birdie, his ball stopped right before the hole... damn nice... then rocco think he got chance to fight on, then.. phailz. hahaz.
quite nice..
tiger is so inconsistent, the best shots are his, the worst are his too... and his tee shots sucks... maybe its his knee? wonder....
but still tiger is... good.
hahaz...

anws.. mugged some SAT todae. damn fucking bored...
my mind is... so blank now... nothing to post already...

joke of the day:
Q: What's red and cleverer than the dead baby thrown at the wall?
A: the wall behind the baby.

EXTRA JOKE!
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how many dead babies are thrown at the wall...

wasted..

2008-06-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

i wonder what makes a good blog, a good blog?

and yet.. another day passed... again nothing much...
woke up. got bored. then 8.20 my neighbour came, and told me.
OH there is a meeting for Del Sur Soccer Club today at 9. wth
so... i went. and we played ball.... zzz...
screwed up big time. good touches, good dribbling, good shots. yet no goals.
coz the goal is freaking too small! hahaz.
anws. i pumped one into the construction site. hahaz. damn cool.
and thats pretty much all i did today... haizzz.
i pretty much slept for 3 hours in the afternoon, and watched the U.S. Open... Tiger and Rocco Mediate tied for first place.. playoff tmr. lol lahhz.
oh.. before i slept.. i was watching turks vs czech. fantastic fight back by the turks.
would never have expected two in the last few minutes. i was praying for penalties, and i thought i got my wish when they equalised. fantastic goal.
petr cech never deserved it. hes the best goalkeeper in the world, and his class proved not enough to stop a sloppy czech from defeat.

yet anther day wasted.. i wonder how many days can i afford to waste? how many days i will waste before i actually do something meaningful...

i've been sleeping very little at night nowadays... 2 hrs 3 hrs 4 hrs...
and my neck hurts like fuck...
i realised i have so much that i havent done, so much.... zzz...
kinda getting hot over here.

joke of the day:
Q: what is better than 10 dead babies in one trash can?
A: one day baby in 10 trash cans

2008-06-15T00:26:00.001-07:00

12.25am.
and the clock ticks on and on, never stopping, never waiting for anyone..
and here i am. not knowing what to say.
so here i am. not saying anything. shall edit this post tmr xD

2008-06-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

another dae has passed by.. and nothing was achieved. i am no nearer to my goals than when i woke up.
my life.. is filled with soccer. yet when i think of soccer, i find it boring. lols.
watched spain vs sweden. the only nice part is the last goal. 90+2. which is really a blow to sweden.
enuff bout soccer... went to buy..groceries? and came back home. and i slept. and i woke up. and here i am typing this piece of crap. i did literally nothing today.

here i look into the future. or not exactly the future. the next two months.
probably the only time i will even be out of this house. will be for a SAT course... which costed bluddy 1000+ bucks.
and is that what life is all about? results, a good university, good job, good pay? no. definitely not.
but apparently parents, or rather, my parents, think that way.
they think, only by doing this, can i enjoy life in the future.
suit them then... since theres nothing i can do...

seriously.. this 2 months, will be filled with misery, and sadness, with no one to talk to online, no one to talk to offline, no one, no one...

i miss laksa... and hokkien mee.

joke of the day: (i repeat, do not get offended, this ain't even my perception)
Q: Have u seen a picture of helen keller's family?
A: No, but neither did she.

2008-06-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

a blog. is simply a tool to express myself.
a blog. does not have feelings.
it is a none living thing..

no words could describe the despair i feel now.
none.
the heartbreak of losing the competition, the heart break of not able to do my part for the team...
the guilt. if they lose.
with me. victory is confirmed. yet if they lose this year. it will all be my fault.
i left. i turned my back on the team.
no longer belonging to the huge family i belonged to, striving for greater heights.
but forget i shall not.
the nurturing, the scolding, everything.

no one reads what i write, no one cares what i write.
but still. i wish to extend my regards. to them. where i once belonged, where i once shone as being the potential future key member. leading the team on. but no. not only did i lose all positions, because i was leaving, i lost the trust of the coach, the respect of the coach. and since then. he had lost mine.

now that i look back, i was selfish, and so was he. and i tink. he still should have my respect, for having nurtured me, for giving me the opportunity to succeed. it was me. who wanted my personal desires, that he wasted time developing a person he cant use.

yet, i belong to where i belong. tis post is dedicated to hciarc. where i once felt at home.
to my fellow friends. i wish u luck.
do me proud. do the school proud.

2008-06-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

I question life. i question god. i question myself.
innocent, yet exiled... why?
there is no answer to everything.
and i do not expect an answer.
that is what it is now... and it will be for time to come. life will always be a question mark, never knowing what it really means, never knowing what will happen next, never knowing, never knowing...

yet live on i must, we must, all of us humans. we need to prove our point, to prove we are innocent, to prove we deserve better.
i question the fidelity of the human population, or should i question that of god?
is god punishing us, or is that simply for the greater good?
god is what we call sacred. god is the higher intelligence. god is always right.
we must not question him, because we will never understand the true meaning behind his actions.
Faith.. is what keeps hopes alive.
have faith, people, have faith.

innocence in exile.
according to dictionary.com, exile is the prolonged separation from one's country or home, as by force of circumstances.
where is my home? reply to my plea. answer my question.
where is home? what is my identity?

Life is just so pointless, what for study? what for live happily? when all u get in the end, is death, and no one will ever know you even existed.

that said... i still study, i still want stuff, i still quest for happiness.
today was supposed to be a happy day, i just pwned the SAT writing section with a grand score of 750, bringing my PB total score to 2240.
yet, a lack of sleep shrouded my day with mist. i could not manage to lighten up my mood...

italy 1 romania 1.
the group of death. supposedly the strongest teams in one group. yet, where is the strength?
a few days ago... italy got beaten 3-0 by netherlands. where is the strength?
france got beaten 4-1 today by netherlands. where is the passion?
romania... their star player is a crack addict, where is the integrity?

there are just so many questions left unanswered, so many, so many.
how i wish i was poetic, how i wish i could write.
how i wish i could play better than cristiano ronaldo. how i wish for so many things.
but i am who i am. and i will always be me.

all heil me. the almighty.

joke of the day: (please do not get offended)
Q: why couldn't helen keller read?
A: because she was a woman.