im a selfish piece of crap.
i am. i know. if u wanna criticiz me, stop reading now.
ignore this post.

hatred fills my life.
sometimes hatred is what keeps me going.
sometimes the lack of love, lack of care, lack of everything impairs my psychological growth, my maturing, my feelings.
somtimes numbness takes over, sometimes i cant think straight.
but thinking i am, and think i shall.
a screwed up mentality, a screwed up life, a screwed up body.
everything suddenly seems hopeless, so worthless.
i have always relied on my academic perfomances to get me thru,
but that will never be the case anymore. because i am dumb.
because i wont reach my targets. because failure is what awaits me.
who am i to dream? who am i to dream of success?
and who am i to define success?

the mainstream definition of success - money and education.
i don't have the money, i don't have the education.
for years i believed i was clever, for years i believed this brain will get me thru, to the best of the best universities, to make the big money.
but i am all so wrong. a wrong perception, very wrong.
life cannot, and will not be happy this way.
my brain isn't top class, it may not be bad, it may be functional, but harvard, princeton, stanford? i no longer know. i am no longer confident.

i wish for a release in life. sometimes i wish, humans are not judged by their education, not judged by results, and all man be treated the same. how is that even possible?
i excel in nothing, absolutely nothing, but i crave to be recognized by the society, as one who is successful, rich, and influential.
how will i ever achieve that?
never.
i wish that i could just live a carefree life, happily ever after.. like in the fairytales.
life is unfair. i wish it to be fair.
but is it? sadly. no.

i feel tired. i feel like sleeping, and never waking up, but that is avoiding, that is a sign of weakness.
i must not. never. be weak.
i must have revenge, to kill the pain hatred has been giving me all these years.
why are people so cold? why.

face the truth. i tell myself. face reality.
that is what the world is like.
never will anyone change it.
change is gradual, but it is happening.
wait. be patient. one day you will be happy.
hopefully. one day. after my cravings be satisfied.


lol anws. i ate abalone LOL...... or rather i dun think its real. it costed.. 5 bucks? omg.
my mum was saying it seems. manmade=.=